The rest of the evening was a blur. Hapak was approached by many of the guests, those within their spiritual family and outside of it alike. Epifany became very busy cleaning up and putting things away, but could see various men talking with Hapak, smiling and shaking hands. The sun was dipping below the horizon and darkness was falling, so she was in a hurry. Ajnin and Viggo were sent inside with Rune to give their mothers the ability to work quickly. Parsi asked if she could send her children inside as well, with her oldest daughter, Faleni, to help babysit the younger ones, so Parsi could help Epifany and Haza. Epifany was in a daze, but Haza gladly welcomed the suggestion.
"I've never seen an ophrysial," Parsi said excitedly while they worked, "but it sounds amazing. I've been curious about your leelighs for some time, Epifany. Jakis didn't seem much though. But I think he's hit it off well with your man and his interest has finally been aroused."
"That's wonderful," said Haza.
"Yes, we'd love to have you," Epifany responded.
"Why didn't you tell me, Piffy?" Haza asked.
It always sounded strange to Epifany when Haza called her Piffy. "Umm," she answered somewhat absentmindedly, "tell you what exactly?"
Haza looked at Parsi and they both laughed. "Tell me what exactly?!" Haza exclaimed, "She's so, so funny!"
When their continued laughter only elicited a blank, confused expression from Epifany, the two became confused themselves.
"That you were planning to build an ophrysial? That's big news! What else?"
"Oh," Epifany stuttered, "well, I - uh - I didn't know."
"Didn't know what I was asking about," Haza laughed, "Oh, you poor dear, the problem is you've been working too hard for a pregnant lady and you're overwhelmed--"
She might have chattered away like that forever, if Parsi hadn't chimed in with the question, "You don't mean that you didn't know about the ophrysial, I'm sure?"
"The ophrysial?" Epifany answered, "Um, yes, I mean, well we've been so busy today, it must have slipped his mind, he can be so forgetful sometimes, so--"
And she might have stammered on like that forever if Haza hadn't interrupted her, "You think he just decided it today?"
"No, I don't mean that," Epifany said, "I mean, I guess he's been thinking about it, so - and praying about it, so - I just, I mean he never said anything, to me, so I don't know. I just," she rambled, "I don't know."
Her friends looked at her blankly.
"Well, my man is just full of surprises!" she exclaimed, trying to chuckle and distract from the embarrassment she felt. She didn't feel much better when they both fake-chuckled with her.
After some almost unbearable silence, Haza spoke up again, "Epifany, there's something special about you two I can't quite place my finger on. You're devoted to what you do and you love everyone. But you come with your share of burdens to carry, if not more, especially recently. You've got to slow down and communicate so you can lean on each other."
I don't know how we're going to do that when he's just added an ophrysial to our full plate, thought Epifany. She felt especially embarrassed to be having this personal conversation with a woman she didn't know well in the middle of it. But Haza was a sort of mentor to her besides simply being a beloved friend, and she naturally respected her advice.
"Just talk to him," Haza went on, "He only needs a reminder that he hasn't got to do everything on his own."
When everyone had left and Viggo was safely tucked in, Epifany wearily crawled into bed next to Hapak. "What a day," he smiled as they both stared at the ceiling, "a wonderful, productive day."
"Hapak, we need to talk," Epifany said, turning toward him.
"What about, Pif?" he asked, scooting toward her and resting his hand behind her ear. He closed his eyes, still smiling softly.
For a moment she wanted to stay that way and say nothing but how much she loved him, comforted in the safety of his embrace. She was tired, and it was relaxing when he touched her hair. But she remembered that this talk would bring them closer together and that it would best be done tonight, as tomorrow would be a busy day with visitors again. "Your speech tonight, dear," she said softly, "It took me completely off guard." She was willing to believe that his mind was still confused due to his recent illness - confused enough to be some kind of idiot about communicating with his own woman.
"I didn't mean for that to happen," he said, "I did tell you I was going to say a few words, didn't I?"
"Oh," she answered, "well yes, you said that. But I mean the ophrysial - you never said anything to me about it."
"Are you sure?" he asked, still stroking her hair with his thumb.
Again she was taken off guard. "I'm pretty sure I would remember if you had mentioned the idea to me," she answered, "and I don't remember anything about it."
"Oh," he said, "no, you're right. I don't think I did say anything. I thought about it, but you know how busy we can be, so I didn't get around to mentioning it. And in the end, I decided not to. I didn't want to burden you with my big dreams and projects. You know I always have something on my mind. And your burdens have been so heavy lately, with what happened to me."
Epifany was surprised. "Honey, your burdens haven't exactly been light lately, either."
"I know that, but I'm alive!" he smiled, raising his eyebrows, "And excited to be! So I've got to do this."
"I know," she said, "I'm just still confused as to why you didn't tell me before."
"Because honey, you've got other things on your mind. Like feeding me," he snickered, "and taking care of Viggo, and carrying the other one." He moved his hand from her hair and laid it on the side of her belly instead. She looked into his eyes - slightly mischievous, but otherwise sweet - and silently thanked the gods for the spark of life they contained.
"Well," she smiled, caressing his cheek, "I appreciate your appreciation for all I do." She looked into each of his eyes gratifyingly, and asked, "You really just didn't want to burden me?"
"Never," he whispered, pulling her closer and kissing her forehead. He would have gone farther and she certainly would have let him, enjoying the overpowering sense of being safe and feeling loved, but she wasn't quite finished with the subject. Things weren't making sense yet.
"One more thing, darling," she said softly, gazing again into the hungry eyes she belonged to, "Your burdens are my burdens. You don't have to keep them to yourself. I want to share in everything that's important to you, because you mean everything to me. Why would you even think it would be a burden to me? Did you think I wouldn't support your vision to build an ophrysial?"
"Is this interrogation really necessary?" he asked with a little laugh, tightening his hold around her torso. "Because I don't see why we can't spend this time differently," he said slyly into her ear, tickling her waist.
Giggling, she instinctively reached for his hand to stop him. "Dear!" she laughed, "Will you cut it out? I'm just trying to be sure."
"Sure of what?"
"That you understand what I'm saying."
"Sure I do. What are you saying?" he teased.
"That you don't need to do anything all on your own," she persisted, "and you never will. So remember that from now on and talk to me. Your dreams are my dreams too. That's why I'm here with you - because I want to be and I would never be happier anywhere but next to you. When you asked me if I would build a life with you in Kharma, I said yes without a second thought."
"Well maybe you should've thought again then, since things obviously aren't going the way you wanted afterall," he said, returning his hand to himself.
"What are you talking about?" she asked, lost with confusion.
"I asked you to come with me and be my woman. I thought you would be happy to stand by me, mother my children, and trust and support my leadership of this family and those who are coming into the light with us. But you think you're so spiritual. You think you know everything there is to know about destiny, like the gods favor you with enlightenment and need you to keep me in line. You forget your true calling and why you're here, and think your job is to question everything I do and say."
She was confused that he still didn't seem to understand what she was saying and decided she had to tell him how she really felt. "Hapak I don't know what you're talking about but the truth is it just really hurts that you put me on a level with everyone else when I have been so happy to stand by you that I left everything and everyone else behind. It makes me feel like I'm not as important to you as you are to me, because I always discuss my plans with you."
"What plans?" he asked.
She was taken aback by the change of direction his question brought to the conversation, and she had no idea how to answer. "I - I don't know," she stumbled, "that's not my point. I--"
"Then it's not a relevant argument," he interrupted, "What does that have to do with anything?"
"I'm not trying to argue, I was just trying to say that I would have wanted to talk to you about it if I were in your position."
"You don't know what you're talking about. You have no idea what it's like to be me. You sit at home all day everyday and complain that I don't spend enough time at home, well I have things to do that are important and you're not the center of the universe so maybe it's time to get used to the fact."
"I'm not trying to be the center, I just thought we were partners."
"I don't need a babysitter for a partner. Maybe look for a man who does."
The eyes she loved so much were now aflame with rage, burning through her, and she turned away, facing the wall instead because she could not bear to see him angry. Cutting words swam around her head in a whirl of confusion and pain as she shuffled through her memory trying to find the basis for his accusations. Instead, her thoughts kept coming back to his last words and the stab of heartache they never failed to deliver. She would never dream of looking for someone else or willingly living without him at all, and she wondered how he could even speak of it. Would he really not mind if I did? Would he rather live without me, even be with someone else?
She drifted in and out of a restless sleep for the next several hours, trying to make sense out of the conversation but getting nowhere. Finally her exhausted mind seemed to give it up and permitted her to think of only one thing: that she needed him, and needed him to need her the same. Life was comfortable and happy overall, with a few bumps in the road - but nothing she couldn't handle, as long as he loved her. He wasn't the sensitive soul she was and didn't show his love the same way she did, and maybe it was of a lower quality than hers. But she still wanted it more than anything in all the world and knew she would do anything it took to hold onto it.
She had been laying awake with this train of thought for a couple of hours when he shifted, and soon soft lamp light crept over her shoulder from the table on the other side of him. She watched his towering shadow sitting up and hers laying still below it, heard the rustling of paper in the silence as the dark figure on the wall in front of her picked up his shadowy Legends in perfect sync with the man behind her back. She shivered, feeling alone and eerily cold in spite of the warm summer night. It would probably be at least an hour yet before dawn.
Her mind took her back to another morning a few weeks before, one that also followed an emotionally cold night involving a confusing conversation, though it hardly compared to this night. But the rest of the morning in her memory involved a deadly snake and a man that lay dying for two weeks as her own spirit crumbled. She had come to believe he would never hold her again. He had spoken his dying words to her with a trembling breath. Yet here he was.
With a twinge of shame she thought of how she hadn't even told her man she loved him this time, and more painfully, how he hadn't said he loved her. But then she remembered his dying words, how loving and comforting they were to her then.
"You've always been better than I deserve, Pif.... There never could've been anyone for me but you."
With relief, she realized that he hadn't meant what he said last night. And maybe it was all that he'd been through with his illness that put him in the mindset to say such hurtful things, she thought. But she realized now she could always come back to the gentle words he spoke the night before the miracle, borrowing comfort and strength from them anytime he might stumble again, as people do. She would be there to soften his rough patches with her gentle spirit, needing only to bring out the best in him, reawaken the man she loved any time he might lose himself again. Beginning now.
"Honey?" she said softly, turning toward him.
"Hm?" he grunted, eyes still on the Legends in his hands.
She wasn't sure what to say. It would be easier if he would be the one to resolve the situation, but she knew better than to count on that. Really by now she only wanted a sign of affection from him, and was prepared to compromise in order to get it. She felt slightly guilty for allowing this desperation to control her actions, but felt powerless to make any other choice. "I don't know what happened last night," she heard herself saying, "I never meant for you to feel nagged." She knew his accusations were gross exaggerations conjured in a fit of anger, if they were true at all. As always, she wanted to please him, but there was no way she was going to actually validate lies.
He sighed, laying down his Legends on the table. "It isn't any wonder you were upset though," he said, turning to her, "I should have taken into consideration your current emotional sensitivity due to being pregnant. It's why I didn't want to burden you in the first place. But, I couldn't keep a thing like that from you forever anyway, could I? And clearly you would have rather known sooner than later."
Again, he didn't make sense to her, but it at least seemed like enough of an improvement for now. And he was possibly acknowledging the fact that the burden excuse didn't help, either.
"Come here," he said invitingly, reaching toward her. Soon she found herself wrapped in his arms again, curled up in his bosom, where she lay silent as he spoke softly.
"I didn't realize how much it would upset you when I made the announcement. I've come to see, to my regret, that I often just have trouble communicating what I wish to, and it always ends up in an unpleasant situation, of which I know nothing of until it is upon me and too late to fix." He stroked her hair gently. "I confess I have not always been the man the gods wanted of me, and I do fall, as no lumen is without his shortcomings, yet get I back up and strive harder. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, so I'm sorry if I did and I take all the blame. I love you."
"I love you," she said. Even when it hurts, she thought silently. The phrase "sorry if" didn't make much sense to her. For that matter, his apology was lacking in other ways. But it didn't seem likely she could change that. She had hardly slept, and was tired in heart, mind, and body. From her experience, questioning Hapak generally didn't seem to bring the intended results, certainly not his affection. So she lay subdued, accepting the kind of love he wanted to give. And she closed her eyes.
"...And just as we open this ophrysial, our great eye, for the first time tonight to honor the full moon's light as it floods this dark place, I pray our eyes will always be open to the light that shines upon our inner darkness - that we will ever be open to change, and never resist the truth." With these words from their leader, the leeligh in mid November was commenced, and the growing group of believers in Gadriel celebrated in the beautiful ophrysial they had built together on the Akylases' land.
And a few weeks later, at the beginning of December, the year 175 vc, the fourth Akylas arrived, following a particularly difficult labor. Hapak looked curiously into the new face as he helped his weak and exhausted Epifany hold their child. He tilted his head to one side and asked, "Does she look like a Grace to you?"
"I don't know," she breathed, "Is she supposed to just yet?"
"Well her name ought to match her face, and Grace just doesn't."
"Honestly," she whispered with a smile, "I didn't think so either."
He smiled. "We could give her a name meaning our dreams have come true, a name that means 'to dream.'"
"Do you have something in mind?" she asked, resting her heavy eyes.
"Let's call her Drea Grace," he suggested, "How do you like that?"
"It's beautiful."
"As is she. Like her mother," he said, pushing Epifany's sweaty hair out of her face, "She takes after you."
"I don't know, dear," she said weakly, "I think she takes after her father. Maybe my light hair. But those dark eyes. And the fact that she's a handful."
He laughed, unable to conceal his pride. "I know she gave you a hard time. She is a fierce little thing. Her grip is so strong, I don't know if I'll ever get my finger back." He wiggled his finger for a moment, to no avail. Unlike her weary mother, Drea was wide awake, feisty, and in control.
"So you're willing to let go of your dying wish to call our child Grace?" Epifany teased quietly.
"Eh, she looks like a Drea Grace now I see her," he said, "I was confused and thought I was going to die. I probably said a lot of things I didn't mean that night," he snickered. "You wouldn't really hold me to it, would you?"
She wished he knew how his words stung, but felt it would only get worse if she told him how it made her feel, so she said nothing. She only hoped the name was the only thing he'd said that night that she couldn't hold onto, because she needed to believe in everything else.
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